2019年11月2日星期六

How to Deal With Your Kid’s Annoying Habits

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November 2, 2019

A roundup of new guidance and stories from NYT Parenting.

How to Deal With Your Kid's Annoying Habits

"Stop eating peas with your fingers." "Don't pick your nose in public." "How many times do I have to tell you not to look at your shoes when you're meeting someone?"

Dr. Jacob Towery, a child psychiatrist and dad, wanted guidance on how to correct his kid's irritating or inappropriate, but not harmful, nose-picking style behaviors. He wrote a piece for us describing the surprising tips he learned from looking at the research and talking to child development experts. These ideas will help you deal with your kid's annoying behavior (while keeping nagging to a minimum).

Also on the subject of parental habits, NYT Parenting reporter Christina Caron set out to answer the question, "Is it bad to take so many pictures of our kids?" and found good news for the many of us who do. Plus, we published new reporting on programs that rely on parents connecting with each other to counter anti-vaccine sentiment.

Finally, we have Misha Collins, the star of "Supernatural," with a powerful essay about growing up without a home and how that experience has shaped his parenting today. "My upbringing taught me that you didn't need money to be happy, that you didn't have to play by the rules, and that the whole world was just begging to be explored," the actor and cookbook author wrote. Scroll down for more, and if you received this newsletter from a friend, you can sign up here.

Thanks for reading!

— Jessica Grose, lead editor, NYT Parenting

Photo-illustration by The New York Times

How to Deal With Your Kid's Annoying Habits

You might want to nag or scold, but positive reinforcement is more effective.

Why nagging won't work.

Misha Collins with his children, Maison and WestMichéle M. Waite

Even Without a Home, We Always Had a Family Meal

Actor Misha Collins remembers a nomadic childhood grounded only by his mother's cooking.

Read his essay.

Nicole Ruggiero

Is It Bad to Take So Many Pictures of My Kid?

There are three things to consider as you document your child's life.

Get expert answers.

Fighting Vaccine Hesitancy, One Parent at a Time

Programs aim to counter anti-vaccine sentiments with parent-to-parent connections.

Find out more.

Tiny Victories

Parenting can be a grind. Let's celebrate the tiny victories.

When my son was 2, he would only allow me to trim his nails if I "terriblized his claws." He was obsessed with "Where The Wild Things Are" and loved to look at the "terrible claws" on the various Wild Things. He's nearly 5 and still patiently receives a weekly "claw terribilization" without incident.

— Jessica Trippe, Portland, Ore.

If you want a chance to get your Tiny Victory published, find us on Instagram @NYTparenting and use the hashtag #tinyvictories; email us; or enter your Tiny Victory at the bottom of this page. Include your full name and location. Tiny Victories may be edited for clarity and style. Your name, location and comments may be published, but your contact information will not. By submitting to us, you agree that you have read, understand and accept the Reader Submission Terms in relation to all of the content and other information you send to us.

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Should I Tell the Children Why My Marriage Broke Up?

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November 2, 2019

the ethicist

Should I Tell the Children Why My Marriage Broke Up?

The magazine's Ethicist columnist on whether to tell your adult children about the affair that led to your divorce and more.

by kwame anthony appiah

"I am a middle-aged woman. Several decades ago I had an affair with a woman I met in a writing class at a prestigious university's continuing-education program. I was at a very fragile and vulnerable point in my life. My husband and I and our young children had recently moved to a new town where I knew no one. My children were both in school — I'd quit my job to raise a family — and I was lost, insecure, unhappy in my marriage and deeply depressed.

The affair, was tumultuous and abusive — she had a Svengali-like hold over me. I can remember spending hours of my time, to all hours of the night, on the phone or instant messaging with her because she insisted she needed me and that if I hung up on her, she wasn't sure what she would do to herself. She made up illnesses. She kept talking about suicide. She told me her fiancé had recently died. She insisted many other women were interested in her and she would move on if I couldn't commit to her. She infiltrated my family life: buying expensive gifts for my children, dropping in on special events and much more. She also wheedled her way into my sibling's good graces and began turning my sibling against my husband. She pushed me to seek a divorce; she told me my husband wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved someone who would encourage my writing, encourage my independence and encourage me to be me. And I fell for it completely.

Fast-forward a number of years: After many years of self-reflection and therapy, my husband and I got back together and ultimately remarried. Our relationship is different from before — more grown up and respectful, and I cherish what we have. I feel as though the experience happened to someone else in a very distant past. I still blame myself for what I allowed to happen to my life but now look back with a much better understanding of how depressed and vulnerable I was, and I'm able to cut myself some slack.

My children are now wonderful, well-adjusted, successful adults. I have one nagging reminder of that dark period, however. We never told the children exactly why we divorced. Because they were so young, we were counseled to keep it as generic as possible, and we did. Should my husband and I come clean to the children?"

Read the Ethicist's response here.

OUR COVER STORY

Plus features and longreads from this week's Magazine

Adam Ferguson for The New York Times

How Does the Human Soul Survive Atrocity?

After the horror of ISIS captivity, tens of thousands of Iraqis — many of them children — are caught up in a mental-health crisis unlike any in the world.

Photographs by Adam Ferguson

Bill McCullough for The New York Times

Feature

How the Trump Cabinet's Bible Teacher Became a Shadow Diplomat

Ralph Drollinger is on a mission to extend the influence he has in Washington around the world. Is he representing Jesus, the administration — or himself?

By Mattathias Schwartz

Chris Buck for The New York Times

Feature

A Filmmaker Bared His Soul. It Ruined His Life.

Caveh Zahedi's abject, self-defeating, ethically questionable, maddeningly original approach to documentary.

By Christine Smallwood

Mamadi Doumbouya for The New York Times

Talk

How Thom Yorke Learned to Stop Worrying and (Mostly) Love Rock Stardom

"It has been good for me getting out of the bubble and understanding how, for some people, the work that I've done is important."

By David Marchese

The 1619 Project

Stories From Slavery, Shared Over Generations

We asked readers of The 1619 Project to share photographs and stories of their enslaved ancestors.

Compiled by Nicole Phillip

The Chocolate Cake That Saved My Vacation

This simple and bold cake brought me back to my senses after I was robbed in Lisbon. It's proof that chocolate has the power to heal.

by dorie greenspan

screenland

'Succession' Knows How to Toy with Your Class Rage. Hence the Chicken.

The HBO show draws drama and comedy from the plutocrats who order so much of American life. But it's just as deft at manipulating its viewers' feelings.

by michelle dean

letter of recommendation

Letter of Recommendation: Show Caves

Want to encounter the sublime beneath the surface of the earth? That'll be $21.95.

by will stephenson

diagnosis

Why Did the Young Mother Have Searing Head Pain and a Racing Heart?

The obvious cardiac tests revealed nothing. It wasn't until one doctor thought creatively that the culprit was found.

by lisa sanders, m.d.

tip

How to Build a Moat

Anticipate sedimentation. Keep the water fresh. Cut any trees by the edge yearly.

by malia wollan

Judge John Hodgman on Eating Unpeeled Eggs

The shells might be a good source of calcium, but does that make it O.K.?

by john hodgman

Do You Have a Living Relative Who Served in World War II? Help Us Tell Their Story

If a relative or friend of yours served, help us get in touch with them. Or, if you served during World War II, tell us about your experience directly.

Poem: Remembering the Night I Dreamed Paul Klee Married the Sky

A painter who loved mystical colors blurring, earth to sky, might have liked a vividly descriptive poem which holds a long-ago moment as a hinge for everything to come.

by jack ridl and naomi shihab nye

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