Regressions are normal during stressful events. Here's how to identify and deal with them.
Why Is My Big Kid Acting Like a Toddler? |
 | | Monica Garwood |
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As we enter our second month of social distancing in the United States, I’m hearing reports from friends, readers and my own household about the different ways we fear our kids are regressing. There’s backsliding on potty use, and more tantrums. Bedtime is really going off the rails. So I wanted to ask the experts: Why is this happening, and can we do anything to help our children? |
Let’s first define our terms. Regression, a term coined by Sigmund Freud, is a return to earlier stages of development as a defense mechanism during times of stress. Adults, as well as children, can experience regression. “It’s a self-protecting mechanism,” said Sally Beville Hunter, Ph.D., a clinical assistant professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. “If kids are going to retreat back to safety, they’re going to retreat back to their parents and ask for additional comfort.” |
With that in mind, Dr. Hunter also said that what we may perceive as setbacks in our children’s development may be typical, and have nothing to do with the coronavirus pandemic or the changes it has caused in their lives. Many of us are just with our children so much more than we used to be, and more intimately involved with their education than we were before. When adults learn, “we are typically acquiring new skills at a steady pace — we little by little pick up skills and retain them,” Dr. Hunter said. “For a child, the learning is not linear. It’s in spurts.” They may have periods of setbacks or little-to-no improvement, she said, and that is to be expected. |
Another thing that may not be an actual regression: setbacks in potty training. Many preschools and day cares “have set times of the day when they march them off and they go together,” said Dr. Aaron E. Carroll, M.D., a professor of pediatrics at Indiana University School of Medicine. Without the social cues and the peer pressure of their friends going with them, your preschoolers may simply be forgetting to go and having accidents. |
That said, all the experts I spoke to acknowledged that regression is to be expected during significant times of change — and your child’s day-to-day has almost certainly changed since the coronavirus hit. Lauren Knickerbocker, Ph.D., a child psychologist at N.Y.U. Langone’s Child Study Center, said that some typical kinds of regression for kids are setbacks in toileting, not wanting to dress or feed themselves, becoming more clingy, having more tantrums, and having a host of sleep disturbances (dropped naps, nightmares, sleep pattern changes). |
If you are observing these changes, you shouldn’t see it as “a five-alarm fire,” Dr. Knickerbocker said. It’s “just a signal your kid needs more support,” and possibly more of your attention, something she acknowledged is in short supply these days, as so many parents are struggling to work without child care, and trying to educate their kids, too. |
So what can you do? I’m not going to tell you about the importance of routines again, because I keep saying it and it probably makes you want to slap me. But I will say that it’s nice to remind your kids of things that haven’t changed — maybe you still eat pizza every Friday night, like we do in our house — and that sense of normalcy is comforting. |
In terms of sleeping, you can read the article that Dr. Craig Canapari, M.D., an assistant professor of pediatrics at Yale University and the director of the Pediatric Sleep Center at Yale-New Haven Hospital, wrote for us on how to deal with pandemic-related sleep disturbances. One piece of advice from Dr. Canapari: Pushing your kids’ schedule, for example letting them sleep 9 p.m. to 9 a.m. instead of 8 p.m. to 8 a.m., will not hurt them in the long run, and if it helps you maintain sanity, that’s excellent. |
Dr. Carroll recommends sticking with positive reinforcement as much as possible. Positive reinforcement is more effective than nagging and scolding even when we’re not living through a global crisis. And especially right now, “we don’t want to be punishing kids for reacting in appropriate ways to high-stress situations,” he said. “Be as sympathetic and nurturing as possible.” |
We should also go easy on ourselves as parents, Dr. Carroll said. It’s OK to delay transitions like potty training, or moving your child to a big kid bed, for a few months, if you’re concerned about more disruption in your lives. And if things aren’t by the book right now, that’s just fine, too. “We shouldn’t be judgmental,” Dr. Carroll said, because with all the stresses on our lives, “we’re going figure out our own ways to get through.” |
Want More on Dealing With Regression? |
| Parenting can be a grind. Let’s celebrate the tiny victories. |
| For about a week, our 7-year-old and 5-year-old played along with pretending they were toys — toys that ate and went to the bathroom, toys that got dressed, toys that brushed their teeth and put away other toys. It was nice while it lasted. — Chris Kilburg, Pittsburgh |
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