Should I have said something?

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Saturday, July 27, 2019

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The Ethicist

Was It O.K. to Leave a Drunken Woman With a Stranger?

By KWAME ANTHONY APPIAH

Illustration by Tomi Um

"Not long ago, I took a vacation to another city, and something that happened there still troubles me. I went to a bar that was playing live music and sat at a table very close to the band. A young woman, probably 21 years old, noticed an empty seat at our table and asked if she could join us. I'll call her Kim.

Kim was a junior at a local college. She was friendly, intelligent and also clearly drunk. Not stumbling drunk, but slurring words and feeling no pain. She stated she was enjoying her one night a week off from waitressing and was delighted to find a place playing live music. She came in alone.

Right beside her was a musician in the band. He wasn't needed in all the songs, so he was free to chat quite a bit, and you could see there was chemistry between him and Kim, but they had not met before.

At one point Kim left, presumably to use the restroom (she asked us if we would watch her things), and when she returned, the musician was with her, carrying her drink.

The band was really good, and the bar was packed. We were lucky to have arrived early enough to snag a table. Between our table and the bar, people were standing and dancing at least three deep. The bartenders were incredibly busy and not serving at tables. To get their attention you had to fight your way to the bar. Around 11 p.m., my companion and I were ready to call it a night. We said our goodbyes and left.

I've thought a lot about this night since and wondered if I should have done something. Perhaps it's because of #MeToo, or perhaps it was a motherly instinct of mine kicking in (I'm old enough to be Kim's mother), but I felt uncomfortable leaving Kim there so drunk and alone.

Should I have said something to the bartenders? They were so busy and not really able to watch over the customers. I would like to think that under normal circumstances they would have made sure she got in an Uber by herself (and not with a stranger), or at least would have made sure she didn't leave with someone against her will. But was she too drunk to give consent?

Should I have said something to her, like, "Are you going to be O.K. getting home?" She didn't appear to be anywhere close to wanting to go home. And speaking to her seemed so condescending — she was of legal age and so on.

Should I have said something to the musician, who seemed like a decent man? (I know, looks can be deceiving.) Though he was carrying her drink for her, he himself was not drinking. I have allowed myself the fantasy that he knew she was drunk, made sure she got home safely and did not take advantage of her, but instead took her phone number and checked on her the next day. And six months later they were a couple.

What was the right thing for me to do in this situation?"

Read the Ethicist's response here.

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