90 percent of American moms and 85 percent of American dads feel judged.
The Decade Parents Couldn’t Win |
 | | Kiki Ljung |
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I am generally of the opinion that while style and custom have evolved, the fundamental feelings of parenting haven’t changed all that much over the past couple hundred years — it’s a tender mess of anxiety, pain and unbridled, unparalleled delight. But what has changed in the 2010s is the way millions of other people’s child-rearing choices and criticisms are served to us directly via social media, whether we like it or not. Another way to put it: We’re living in a parenting panopticon. |
Just a few years ago, you had to actively search out rude posts on message boards to see your decisions and personal circumstances ripped to shreds. These boards may have been addictive, but they didn’t follow you everywhere. This experience is perfectly illustrated by a scene from the 2013 series finale of “30 Rock,” where Liz Lemon solicits recommendations for someplace to buy a girl’s bike on a fictional parenting site and ends up getting called “Double Hitler.” Before the internet, you only had to deal with the judgment of your immediate community and family — the people you saw in real life. And you likely knew less about their intimate choices anyway, because it wasn’t appropriate to talk about such things in mixed company. |
But now, even if you don’t go to any parenting-specific sites or explicitly follow them on social media, you will be bombarded with other people’s firmly held-beliefs about how to raise children. Someone from high school is so into baby-wearing she thinks parents who don’t do it are harming their children irrevocably (and posts very long Instagram captions detailing these views); a celebrity you once enjoyed for her messy relationship drama is now extolling the virtues of organic children’s foods and plying you with recipes; someone you don’t know and don’t remember following started his 2-year-old on the violin and is constantly posting videos of his lil’ genius. In your heart you know that these folks have their own private struggles and it’s never easy for anyone — but empathy is tough to summon when you feel attacked. |
Even the most confident parent can, in an insecure moment, start to question his or her choices when dealing with the onslaught of other people’s opinions and implied (or outright) judgment. And that feeling of being judged has spilled out from social media and into public life. |
A large national survey conducted by Zero to Three, a nonprofit research organization focused on the health and wellness of babies and small children, found that feeling judged is a nearly universal parental perception: 90 percent of moms and 85 percent of dads reported feeling judged, and just under half said they felt judged all the time or nearly all the time. Parents live in such a state of paranoia about public censure, they’ve resorted to handing out goody bags on planes to pre-apologize to the world for their children existing. |
There are a few parenting decisions I have made that are not in vogue at all; intellectually I knew I made the right choice for myself and my family, but if I see the wrong article or image at a vulnerable moment, it can send me into a momentary shame spiral. It doesn’t matter if I made these choices three years ago or three days ago, the way the internet flattens time can reopen a wound as if it’s fresh. |
The facile response to this is to tell people to get off the internet, but that’s not a realistic recommendation, and it fails to consider the benefits of connection and empathy that are the upside of all this sharing. As I enter the next decade as a mother, I want to be secure enough to not let other people’s parenting choices — no matter how aggressively trumpeted — affect my values. I know, from editing and reporting on parenting for the entire decade, that there are so many ways to raise healthy, thriving children. My goal is to feel that in my bones. |
Want More on the Decade in Parenting? |
| Parenting can be a grind. Let’s celebrate the tiny victories. |
| I convinced my 2-year-old that she needed to take a nap because Mommy was sleepy. |
| — Christina Chieffo, Chicago |
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