When Your Home Is a Hormonal Hellscape |
 | | Eleni Kalorkoti |
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Tamara Tiska, 48, is a single mother of a 13-year-old son, and they're both going through hormonal transitions; she's in perimenopause and he's in puberty. The past year of Covid isolation in Watertown, Mass., has been difficult for them. |
"Sometimes I don't know whose mood is controlling the house, my son's or mine," she said, describing how she and her son can "spiral off" into arguments without substance, like about whether he was supposed to close a window. Because she's a single mom, "There's no one to be like, 'You're both being irrational,'" Ms. Tiska said. |
When I wrote about perimenopause, the final years of a woman's reproductive life leading up to the cessation of her period, and the emotional and physical maelstrom it can create for some women, a topic that came up over and over among my sources was how hard it was to parent teenagers, who were going through their own emotional and physical changes. For example, moms and their teens may each be experiencing increased irritability, hair growth in new places, sweating that is new to them, and an overall identity transition. |
This clash of perimenopause and puberty may be more common than it used to be, as the average age of first-time moms was 26 in 2016, up from 21 in 1972; and in major U.S. cities, the age of first-time mothers tends to be over 30. Perimenopause starts at age 47 on average, so more and more moms are entering a "profound identity shift" at the same time as their kids, said Dr. Lucy Hutner, a reproductive psychiatrist in New York. I had my two girls at 30 and 34, and I am already worried about the slow-rolling disaster that is going to haunt us all in five to eight years, when I'm in my mid-40s and my daughters are teens. |
Mothers and their adolescent children are having similar experiences, said Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and the author of The New York Times's Adolescence column. "Everyone feels buffeted by hormonal storms that feel new and out of control," Dr. Damour said. "Another parallel is that your body starts acting in ways that feel strange and unfamiliar, and you're along for the ride. This is true for pubescent children, who are suddenly sprouting hair in places that are new, and for moms who are waking up in a pool of sweat." |
"I often wonder if a full night's sleep might help everyone," Ms. Tiska said. "I wake up at least once a night as a human furnace, and he's taken to staying up late and is dragging and cranky on school mornings." |
Beyond everyone getting more shut eye, how can families get through these "hormonal storms" in one piece? Here are four expert tips. |
Recognize that moodiness may be a feature, not a bug. Teenagers are in what Dr. Hutner described as "an ambivalent position": It's their job, developmentally, to push you away and develop their own identities, but at the same time, they see you as an emotional safe harbor. This push-pull is going to last for a long time, and it's completely normal. |
For parents, this ambivalence may be harder to accept if your emotions are more erratic than usual. But just knowing that your feelings have a physiological source beyond your control may help you hold those feelings at a distance, Dr. Damour said, "and gain some perspective on it at the same time." |
Remember that even difficult emotions will pass. When teens are melting down, you need to let them feel their feelings, and get through to the other side. "Remember that emotions are like waves, not fire," Dr. Damour said. "They rise, crest and recede if we let them run their course. We don't have to worry that they're going to grow out of control and we need to try to stamp them out as fast as possible." |
On her website, she has a nine-step process for managing adolescent meltdowns, which begins with listening without interrupting, and involves offering empathy, validating feelings and offering to help problem-solve. |
Open up space for connecting. In busy families, so many of our conversations are about logistics (Did you do your homework? Are you hungry? Is the laundry clean?) that we can forget to make room for conversations without an agenda, Dr. Hutner said. This consistent space can take a variety of forms, depending on what works in your house: Maybe you make pancakes together every Saturday morning, or walk the dog together, or drive to soccer practice; it doesn't need to be more than 10 or 15 minutes on a regular basis. "It's amazing what will come out" of this time, Dr. Hutner said. |
Take care of yourself. If you are experiencing perimenopausal symptoms, addressing them can help you manage your teen's ups and downs more ably, Dr. Hutner said. For example, brain fog, which is when your thoughts are not as clear as they once were and you may have trouble remembering words, is common among women going through the menopause transition. So speaking to a doctor about how to manage brain fog may be a first step. (The North American Menopause Society's website lists qualified physicians throughout the country and abroad.) |
If you're in a better place, you may be able to find common ground and even empathy with your teen, Dr. Damour said. Jessica Curtis, 51, of Seattle, whose kids are 19, 16 and 13, said that "learning how to put myself back on a priority list and have enough reserves" of energy has helped her empathize with and enjoy her teens, even in this difficult pandemic year. She said she's been able to let go of old expectations and rely on other parents more. "I'm sure we have some hard years ahead," she said, "and I am hopeful we can love each other through them." |
Want More on Perimenopause and Parenting Teens? |
| Parenting can be a grind. Let's celebrate the tiny victories. |
Whenever it's time to get our 20-month-old daughter to wash her hands, we ask her if she wants to make "hand bubbles." My husband and I will get our hands all lathered up with soap and our daughter is beyond excited to get those bubbles on her hands. Now she asks to wash her hands all the time! — Sarah Shaheen, Evanston, Ill. |
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