2019年7月20日星期六

My Dysfunctional Brother Was Abused. How Do I Acknowledge His Past?

Is there a way?

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Friday, July 19, 2019

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The Ethicist

My Dysfunctional Brother Was Abused. How Do I Acknowledge His Past?

By KWAME ANTHONY APPIAH

Illustration by Tomi Um

"Recently one of my siblings confided in me about the sexual abuse that our brother endured by a man when we were children. Our brother was prepubescent at the time. He does not know that I know.

Throughout our childhood, I never knew. I never made the connection between this childhood trauma and his lack of ambition or even his dropping out of school. Over the years, he has suffered from mental health issues and substance abuse and recently sought help.

I know the perpetrator because he also made a 'move' on me. I was groped in my own living room when my mother stepped away for just a moment. I screamed bloody murder and kicked over a coffee table full of tea and dishes and ran away. This saved me. My mother was clueless about this man and made me apologize for my behavior.

As my brother and I are both now middle-aged, how can I — or even should I — acknowledge his painful past? Part of me wants to apologize. I have watched him struggle with relationships and insecure work while I live a rather happy and successful life.

Perhaps my sibling can tell him that I was told, and this would open the door to a discussion. But how would that help him after years of suffering and counseling? I was there. I am so sorry he suffered, and I never had a clue."

Read the Ethicist's reply here.

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